Self-Doubt

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I think all girls struggle with this: the self doubting. It’s when we look in the mirror and see the girl we are on the outside rather than the girl we are on the inside. We see all the fat rolls or the pimples. Or we see that our clothes might not be the best. 

I’ve struggled with self-doubt since I was a young teenager. I was always bigger than my other friends who might have tipped the scales at just over 100 pounds. (I think I weighed 100 by the time I was 12!) Not only was I bigger than the other girls, but I was also “blessed” with a face full of acne. (My only saving grace was that I had straight teeth and didn’t have to deal with braces!) 

Looking back, I wasn't even that big!
Looking back, I wasn’t even that big!

I have a bunch of friends that are very into fitness and being healthy. And that’s great! I’m super proud of them for being in a place where they WANT to do that. I was in that place when I went from being a size 16 down to being a size 2 in less than a sixteen month period of time.

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In the picture above, I was at my smallest. I weighed about 111 pounds and was a size 2. My sister and I probably could have shared clothes. I felt like crap and was rarely ever in a good mood. I was more worried about what I was going to eat for my next meal (and whether or not it would fit into my calorie count), and when I was going to get my next workout in – to work off the food that I was going to eat at my next meal.

It was a VICIOUS cycle. Eat a little, exercise a lot. Eat a little, exercise a lot. Day in, day out. Every single day. I would get up early in the morning and run on the treadmill before work. Or I would do a 5-mile Leslie Sansone video while I was babysitting the kids I watched at the time. 

Breathe in and out, barely any time for anything but worrying about my weight, my size, whether or not I was going to gain all my weight back, etc, etc, etc. 

I was UNHAPPY.

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Here it is: 100% honesty time.

I’m a LOT happier at a size 22 than I ever was at a size 2! I wear cute clothes (thanks to LulaRoe and Honey & Lace), and I have found a place where I can look in the mirror and be happy with how I look. I no longer feel bad walking into a store and having to go to the “fat section”. I have embraced this about myself. 

It doesn’t matter, listen to me: IT DOESN’T matter what you look like on the outside. It doesn’t matter if you can shop in the junior’s section are Target or if you have to go to the Plus size section. It doesn’t matter if the pant size is two numbers. It doesn’t matter if you have to get an XL shirt or a 2X or a 3X. 

What matters IS: being a good person. Showing love to all those around you. Wearing your heart on your sleeve and showing compassion. Being NICE. 

I’m not saying don’t be healthy. I’m not saying not to workout. I’m not saying that you shouldn’t be into fitness. I’m saying: Be happy in your skin. No matter if that skin has stretch marks or if that skin is flat. It doesn’t MATTER. 

You matter. Your heart matters. Your mind matters.

And don’t forget to smile. 

You are worth more than gold.